Monday, June 25, 2012

I am that which I hate

When the same issues arise - whether with a large time gap between them or not - one begins to wonder if we, ourselves, help them be what they are. If it's us who causes them to be repeated, rather than any external factor or person we might pin the blame to. 
If we're lucky enough, we'll have a good friend around to tell us where we've gone amiss, or how we actually are like with all honesty. If not, we'll have to go on this tough exploratory journey on our own and realize that saying "I'm not [insert corresponding description here]" as many times as we want, just because we reject the idea of it being true, doesn't make it so.

Here's to owning up and acknowledging that I can in fact be things I refused to believe I was.

I am sensitive, and the manner with which things are said affects me more than I'd admit (if at all).
I do get defensive in arguments, and more often than not, I'm not able to remain calm.
I do need positive affirmations. Of friendships, of love, or whatever it may be. I need to be told and shown I'm cared for often.
I can get jealous, and that irritates me because I'm convinced it shouldn't exist, don't think there's a "good" version of it, and believe that it's only nurtured by insecurities and fear. Nevertheless, there it is.
I am stubborn when I feel I've been wronged.
I don't forgive easily, especially when trust is shaken up or scratched, let alone broken.
I am not the friend I expect my own friends to be.
I can justify not giving with not receiving, when I know it shouldn't be dependent on it at all.
I do escape rather than confront more often than what I'd like to believe.

Am I saying that this is the way I am and anyone around me will just have to deal with it? Definitely not. 
I'm far from ideal. But I'm gradually becoming aware of the many aspects that need improvement, and frankly acknowledging shortcomings is a pre-requisite for any of that to happen.  

I am a work in progress. 
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